Let’s just cut to the chase, shall we? I hate the sun. Hate! (Hate, hate, hate. Hate hate, hate. Double-hate. Loooooathe entirely, like the Grinch hates Christmas.) I have nothing favorable to say about that ginormous ball of flames and its incinerating tentacles of doom that are responsible for sun spots, premature aging, melanoma, and other not-good things, like various levels of general misery. But as an inhabitant of the planet earth, I, unfortunately, have to coexist with it as I do with my upstairs neighbor who only practices her step routines after midnight. Yeah, not ideal.
To complicate matters, I’m Sicilian and as a result tan within, like, five seconds or less. But you wouldn’t know it by looking at me, because I’ve gotten so astute at outfoxing the sun that I can do really magical things like blend in with a white wall. But it’s not magic–it’s just sun-avoidant prowess, and in the words of the great philosopher Elle Woods: “I’m like a PSA for SPF.”
Scroll through for the contents of my Sun Avoider Starter Pack and get ready to play a three-month long game of hide and seek. Hint: it won’t find you. And yes, I’ve tried them all (except for the last one, which I’ve by no means ruled out).
For when you have to go to the beach or pool but don’t want to expose your delicate décolletage.